HoTHeAdsPikEn

 I’m not really a very affectionate person but I need a hug today 

 I used to want to talk to someone all the time until I was ignored. I want to love like that again someday. I want to look and smile and want to feel nothing but butterflies. 

 I’m finally happy. Not sure how it happened but it did. It finally feels like a normal and sane life. Normal time, sane hobbies, actually wants to spend time with me when it allows. I don’t know why I held on to craziness in the past. It wasn’t bad but this is just way better. 

 I didn’t expect this to happen but I did. Same schedule, has a job, a car, and wants to make time for me. Like this can’t be real but it is. Just going with the flow…. A very slow flow for me. 

 Once long long I probably would have said I do to someone I loved very much now I don’t think anyone wants me or no one will ever find me appealing in any way. Not that I haven’t tried I’m just not desirable anymore. I feel my good years are long gone which is why I’m just trying to plan what what older day will look like. In the gay world the older you get they harder it is to find a partner. I had one once that I would have done anything for my only mistake was not waiting to be alone so I decided to end things which lead to me being where I am today. I’m not perfect but I thought I was going to have a different kind of ending like in the movies. Delusional me. 

 I keep trying and it’s stupid. Oh well.  Time to catch them all. 

Sometimes great loves can’t live together, but the love endures.

 Damn. Last night was a trip. I’m still shaky lol in a good way. I mean i had a blast. The situation was weird for sure but all my stress is gone now, whoever said meeting a stranger was a bad thing has never met a stranger lol 

 Guardians of the galaxy volume 3 was I think the best movie from their franchise. It moved me, granted the main actor is problematic but the plot was amazing  

 Well I tried to chat just to clear things up from the past and maybe be friends but it’s obvious he didn’t care and now I had to close the chapter myself without trying to resolve it and trying to move on in a happy way especially after everything I created and the problems(which it was born our faults) chapter closed. It’s done. It’s going to remain like a movie that didn’t have a sequel. 

 No reply still I would have liked to to him today. It’s my moms bday and I’m pulling through. Better days ahead. 

 Only way I’ll stop well the only way is to blocked him which I did. That’s it over for good. I was just wasting my time, he clearly didn’t care lol. Time to keep pushing once again. Bright days are waiting I hope. 

 Well it is what it is.  No reply. Lol I’m dumb. 

 I’m not crazy but maybe I am. Idk 

If I have to be completely honest. I’ve been kind of saving myself for something worthwhile. Last time i got fully intimate with someone was with my ex and that was way before the pandemic. I somehow created this thing in my head that he wanted to talk to me again or something but not much has changed. There was never enough time for me or maybe anyone else. Why do I still feel like this though? I was expecting growth and a straightforward answer but maybe a) he doesn’t care(which is fine, tell me at least) b) he is just playing the field in hope of god knows what. Anyhow. I think is time to keep it pushing again. 

 I’m the clown. I should have known it would be a bad ideas to to start messaging him again but like a clown I did it. He doesn’t care lol never did and never will. I’m just dumb. Well that to do now. What to do?

 I don’t know why I expected more lol 😂 I’ll never learn! He actually doesn’t even want to talk lol 😂 well I think I bothered me because I brought me back to the past. I hate him lol. 

 Would I meet him for a casual encounter again? Yeah but nothing else. 

 Feels like everyone is getting divorced lately. Why get married if you are separating soon after. What a waste of time! 

 How does a parent fail his child! Well it’s a long story. My ex failed me too but that didn’t hurt as much as my dad failing me. Two man have failed. End of story. 

 Rest in peace baby. My little old man  I’ll miss you forever  

 I wasted so much time in the past now I have something 100 times better!!! No drugs, no being left alone, a job, a place, actual real hobbies, no drugs….. I can’t say that enough  

 I’ve heard crickets louder than stupid promise he made to me! Life goes on. I mean I would have talk to this person as friends but the crickets are louder. 

Trying to decide if should get involved with this person but I feel I was never enough for the last one…. So why waste my time?!? ugh