HoTHeAdsPikEn

He is not coming back. He left me to die and suffer just like I did to him. Karma got me. 

He is playing the I don't know why this shit happens card. He is mad because of shit he is doing and that's not going right. He is stupid and makes me think I am. Fucking asshole who does shit unprotected with people and does drugs thinks I am an idiot. I care about him however he is getting on my last damn nerves quick. He thought he was going back to storage yet he has his fucking backpack and a bag. He thinks I'm dumb. I'm far from it.

You stupid jolly bee eating son of bitch who fucks random guys bareback and consumes crystal meth. Asshole. I could do all those things took but I fucking love myself more to do that. I know I've influenced that a little but fuck. Want to die? Kill yourself rather than not knowing if you got aids from the random Asian guy you fucked who still fucks guys bareback. Sacramento is a small city and a people know this club goer slut of yours. 

Idiot

He doesn't know how a simple word can make me sad not mad. You are out there sleeping and get mad when I asked you to lay down yet you fall asleep faster than me. It's bullshit. The good ol times are gone. I love him I just don't know why he fights been around me. If I suggest something he say but when I say it. He's rarely asked me to lay down to sleep but has asked me to lay down next to him before having sex which is different. Now we can't even have sex because he is pain. I mentioned the doctor and he got mad. Oh well saying doesn't fix anything. Shit you should go without anyone telling you it's part of being an adult who wants his health to not deteriorate. I hope nothing bad happens. I feel as if I'm his punching bag right now. He says I don't argue with anyone. Why would you? They don't want to be with you like I do maybe. It's shit I feel awful right now. 

We are going to end up like the guys from broke back mountain. One dead and the other sad about the one who died. All because of me. 

I wish he would let me love him now. Might not happen now. Haven't seen him in 4 days. 

I get to an extent things need to get done I just don't think there is work 24/7. He seems to think I'm completely crazy for thinking that I just feel any human being would want to slee and unwind even for a minute but he does it there and not with me and that's what I want. I haven't seen him for almost 2 days again. 

I can't even get him to come over. I'm not pretty enough anymore. 😔

The moment you fucked up so bad and that he isn't coming back even though you've allowed yourself to love again without any bullshit sucks. The pain I'm feeling is deteriorating my spirit. I wish he was here I just don't know if he'll ever be here anymore. I miss him but starting to wonder what I should do next. He said no calls and won't reply to a text or email. I'm just left here alone but it's my fault. I wish he was here. I really do. If I had a wish I would wish for that but this is real life. I can only hope for something good maybe. Just maybe. I want to die. Someone should put me out of my misery. For the longest time I've felt like I'm not needed by anyone and I rather be up with my mom. Maybe tonight she'll take me. I wish I was gone forever. 

I don't think he wants me anymore. I'll try though I don't want to lose faith again ever again. He is not listening I need him and it just doesn't work. He called me stupid again. I am but how can I admit something like that and be the idiot and trash and still feel worthy of anything. Once love is gone it's gone. I've always had in me deep down hidden at times dude to fear and I knew he had it too but I think he is losing and knowing that might be happening can change my life forever. 

What he is going through I can't really understand. I mean I pushed him to do it. Finding out those horrible things hurts not because I can't find or do the same which I don't because I've never felt compelled not wanted to PnP, or have bareback sex with other guys just because I was depressed or alone but because deep down I've always wanted one guy to fuck me and make me feel good in aspects of life. I know what I've done to him is terrible and I want to fix it because I care and in my own fucked up way love him dearly. I feel like he has done more and try more things with those strangers then with me. I'm willing to do those things he likes now like PnP and maybe more bareback and other shit he might be into and not be scare anymore. I mean I was scared but I guess sometimes you have to put you fears aside and go with the flow. I'll change how I am the best way I can to make him happy even if I have dislike certain things. I mean I'm hard to under...

Today I was rejected 

My stomach hurts, my eyes are burning, I can't concentrate in on thought I have multiple running thought my head. I know I've done him wrong I just thought he would help me. I feel the same exact way I felt on December 24, 2010 and no one can help me. One thought that keeps flying across is the first time I met him. We saw the interpreter and he spill soda on his shirt. He won't see and I can no longer live like this. It hurts to much and I've try to hide it and it's exploding all over. I want to die. I can't handle pain. 

Hello. This is weird. I'm sad. How do I get better? 

Damn this hurts. I need to leave this city. I don't get why he won't even respond. This is making me sick. I hate Sacramento it has only brought me pain. 

Damn today has been a hard day. I don't get it. He wants me then he doesn't. I'm a mess but damn. I can't just go without any physical attention. I'm scared. 

I need someone now. I'm going insane. 

Fuck it I'm having fun getting drunk forgetting what my life used to be. 

Fuck it I'm having fun getting drunk forgetting what my life used to be. 

Tonight I think is the last time I'll email him or contact him. I have to get used to the idea that I'll never be good for anyone. How is that?  Oh well I've dealt with worst stuff in my life.