HoTHeAdsPikEn

What's going on right now?

“We hardly ever realize that we can cut anything out of our lives, anytime, in the blink of an eye.” Carlos Castaneda

Having shit doesn't take away heartbreak fucker. 

I'm so stressed out I've let someone borrow most of my and my sisters money and I don't know how to come up with it now. I need help. I don't cry Iike he does I just do. I work long hours and too many days. WTF. I need help and there is no one I can turn to. 

He will never get it and as long as he thinks people will help him when he texts awful things to them he is wrong. The only thing he will get is no answer from anyone.  

What does anyone do when there is trouble and bad situations in their life's and they have no one to rely on? Please comment anyone 

I need help why isn't anyone listening oh well. 

I just want to sleep and never wake up

I'm going through a super rough time and he isn't here like last time. 

I don't know what to do. This hurts and I don't want to be here. I can't fly anymore but seriously wish I could. 

Fuck this bitch ass. I'm through. 

If you only fucking knew. 

I could have made a great boyfriend/ husband(maybe) the circumstances are fucked so at this point it may never happen. Sad that it's hard for him to get his shit together and no I don't need to help. I'm so stressed out over this trip. I feel like crying but I have to keep it together. I just wanted to feel someone close and touching me before leaving and he refused but he was able to get on Grindr. Go figure a random slut can get his gears going just not me. 

Uri go fuck yourself between angel Madison, Chris natomas, the 15th and j brd garden guy. You are a loser I hate you. You got gonorreah from one of them you sick fuck and you would do shit with any of those ugly hoes and not me. You are a loser don't comeback JUST FUCKING PAY ME BACK HOE. 

I hope he doesn't ask me again to do his shit. I don't have money.

I don't need to be asked what I did. I don't ask you. You mentioned all kinds of shit lately and I don't ask so please don't ask me. You say I needed to fuck and someone wants you so go ahead. Do what you need to do but don't ask me shit unless you want to bang me ok. Thanks. Bye. 

I need to have sex soon. Jerking off isn't cutting it.

If could turn back. I would have stayed home for a while longer rather then coming to Sacramento or I would have suggested a different city other than sac to live with him. I don't think he realizes he has more issues than he thinks he has. I can't be manipulated anymore. 

I'm getting tired of it. If it's not one thing is another. Fuck i don't even eat breakfast in the morning but Mr. royalty has to have it or he dies. He doesn't know we all need something i just don't bitch about it as much as he does.

Fuck Valentine's Day. I used to like it many years ago. I don't want to hear people telling me try got shit from anyone anymore. I'm going back to sleep. My moms house is quiet. I would like to ask him to come later I just don't want to hear him say shit or just talked all night and not being able to sleep and see him throw tantrums in he morning before going to work. I'm tired. 

It's officially over! Phone gone, memories gone. 

Stereotypical white men trying to find ugly Asians dudes to fuck or be with however when shit goes wrong he will text them and email them until they go insane. You had it good with me. I'm a nice guy. Crazy when I feel disrespected even after we decided to try he was still trying to hook. Son of bitch. I hate you. 

I did think I would die with him... Dreams just dreams or nightmares I don't know. 

Always the second choice or the whatever I need choice. 

If I was enough why ignored me all FUCKING DAY and just be cryptic when he got a hold of me. You dug your grave. 

I don't think I asked for too much now I've reached my breaking point even I didn't want to teach it. 

One day I'll be beautiful, not stupid, not garbage or an idiot. I'll be thin and sexy. I'll start working on it. I was never that disgusting as he thinks. Maybe someday will be able to touch me again and actually love me again. 

No more Mr. Nice guy. I told him one day and he wants more. I will no longer speaks to him. 

I wish i could still be his friend i just don't think that will be the case even if that's what i want. I paid for storage and gave him $20.00 and was still harassed in the morning and called names. I told him i wouldn't act on my repressed feeling and i  meant it however i don't know what to do now. Why do i feel this way i don't know. I feel manipulated every time we talk, i always have to end up feeling bad or it's all my fault yet sometimes doing shady shit led you to end up in a bad place. Why can't i be nice with you? because i don't like feeling like shit and feel degraded when i talk to him. It always starts nice until he doesn't hear what he wants to hear then he turns into the monster i like to get away from. Odd jobs for year i would have realized that i needed a job after my first failure(west sac), somehow that wasn't the case. I wish he doesn't harasses me today. I've dealt with enough this week and i have to catch up with h...

What the fuck happened to my life?

What behavior did you deal with? I felt i was walking on glass. You had so many secrets and lies going on i just wanted you to be honest from the beginning. I get weird around people i feel are lying to me. I thought maybe i was wrong and never was direct about anything cuz i was afraid of pushing you away. I tiptoed around you and your place. I didn't make advances on you unless you started it. I didn't know you were seeing someone. You shouldn't have been lying to me. I never once left your place to hook up EVER. I didn't ever have sex with Jim but one time maybe two. I was into you and didn't want anything else. You were wrong making me out to be something i wasnt. Saying i raped you. Are you serious?

I fell in love again with him like when I first met him. I thought he would be my Prince Charming again and that's is gone. 

Sacramento is such an awful city 

He just wanted to jump on his car. Obsessively attracted to him and not me anymore. 

He is not coming back. He left me to die and suffer just like I did to him. Karma got me. 

He is playing the I don't know why this shit happens card. He is mad because of shit he is doing and that's not going right. He is stupid and makes me think I am. Fucking asshole who does shit unprotected with people and does drugs thinks I am an idiot. I care about him however he is getting on my last damn nerves quick. He thought he was going back to storage yet he has his fucking backpack and a bag. He thinks I'm dumb. I'm far from it.

You stupid jolly bee eating son of bitch who fucks random guys bareback and consumes crystal meth. Asshole. I could do all those things took but I fucking love myself more to do that. I know I've influenced that a little but fuck. Want to die? Kill yourself rather than not knowing if you got aids from the random Asian guy you fucked who still fucks guys bareback. Sacramento is a small city and a people know this club goer slut of yours. 

Idiot

He doesn't know how a simple word can make me sad not mad. You are out there sleeping and get mad when I asked you to lay down yet you fall asleep faster than me. It's bullshit. The good ol times are gone. I love him I just don't know why he fights been around me. If I suggest something he say but when I say it. He's rarely asked me to lay down to sleep but has asked me to lay down next to him before having sex which is different. Now we can't even have sex because he is pain. I mentioned the doctor and he got mad. Oh well saying doesn't fix anything. Shit you should go without anyone telling you it's part of being an adult who wants his health to not deteriorate. I hope nothing bad happens. I feel as if I'm his punching bag right now. He says I don't argue with anyone. Why would you? They don't want to be with you like I do maybe. It's shit I feel awful right now. 

We are going to end up like the guys from broke back mountain. One dead and the other sad about the one who died. All because of me. 

I wish he would let me love him now. Might not happen now. Haven't seen him in 4 days. 

I get to an extent things need to get done I just don't think there is work 24/7. He seems to think I'm completely crazy for thinking that I just feel any human being would want to slee and unwind even for a minute but he does it there and not with me and that's what I want. I haven't seen him for almost 2 days again. 

I can't even get him to come over. I'm not pretty enough anymore. 😔

The moment you fucked up so bad and that he isn't coming back even though you've allowed yourself to love again without any bullshit sucks. The pain I'm feeling is deteriorating my spirit. I wish he was here I just don't know if he'll ever be here anymore. I miss him but starting to wonder what I should do next. He said no calls and won't reply to a text or email. I'm just left here alone but it's my fault. I wish he was here. I really do. If I had a wish I would wish for that but this is real life. I can only hope for something good maybe. Just maybe. I want to die. Someone should put me out of my misery. For the longest time I've felt like I'm not needed by anyone and I rather be up with my mom. Maybe tonight she'll take me. I wish I was gone forever. 

I don't think he wants me anymore. I'll try though I don't want to lose faith again ever again. He is not listening I need him and it just doesn't work. He called me stupid again. I am but how can I admit something like that and be the idiot and trash and still feel worthy of anything. Once love is gone it's gone. I've always had in me deep down hidden at times dude to fear and I knew he had it too but I think he is losing and knowing that might be happening can change my life forever. 

What he is going through I can't really understand. I mean I pushed him to do it. Finding out those horrible things hurts not because I can't find or do the same which I don't because I've never felt compelled not wanted to PnP, or have bareback sex with other guys just because I was depressed or alone but because deep down I've always wanted one guy to fuck me and make me feel good in aspects of life. I know what I've done to him is terrible and I want to fix it because I care and in my own fucked up way love him dearly. I feel like he has done more and try more things with those strangers then with me. I'm willing to do those things he likes now like PnP and maybe more bareback and other shit he might be into and not be scare anymore. I mean I was scared but I guess sometimes you have to put you fears aside and go with the flow. I'll change how I am the best way I can to make him happy even if I have dislike certain things. I mean I'm hard to under...

Today I was rejected 

My stomach hurts, my eyes are burning, I can't concentrate in on thought I have multiple running thought my head. I know I've done him wrong I just thought he would help me. I feel the same exact way I felt on December 24, 2010 and no one can help me. One thought that keeps flying across is the first time I met him. We saw the interpreter and he spill soda on his shirt. He won't see and I can no longer live like this. It hurts to much and I've try to hide it and it's exploding all over. I want to die. I can't handle pain. 

Hello. This is weird. I'm sad. How do I get better? 

Damn this hurts. I need to leave this city. I don't get why he won't even respond. This is making me sick. I hate Sacramento it has only brought me pain. 

Damn today has been a hard day. I don't get it. He wants me then he doesn't. I'm a mess but damn. I can't just go without any physical attention. I'm scared. 

I need someone now. I'm going insane. 

Fuck it I'm having fun getting drunk forgetting what my life used to be. 

Fuck it I'm having fun getting drunk forgetting what my life used to be. 

Tonight I think is the last time I'll email him or contact him. I have to get used to the idea that I'll never be good for anyone. How is that?  Oh well I've dealt with worst stuff in my life.